What would I ever do without my kids? The thought of losing a child is so terrible. I have heard from women who’ve lost a child to death. They say you’re never the same. I understand what they mean. I have two beautiful children now, but I would have had four.
     When I was 23 years old I was in a relationship with a man 6 years older. We were sexually active and never took precautions. Soon after we began dating seriously, I got pregnant. He suggested that I talk to his mother about what to do. She told me that two of her daughters had had abortions and everything was great. An abortion didn’t sound great to me. She said she would go with me to take care of this "situation." I was convinced that since I was climbing the corporate ladder and had an active lifestyle, there was no room for a child and a close friend concurred with me. I went through with the abortion. The relationship soon fizzled and I was feeling alone and empty and just wanted to be loved. I had a great job and good friends, but that just didn’t seem to make the difference. I put it all out of my mind.
     I dated occasionally and two years later I met the man I would be with forever (I thought.) All I needed was for someone to love me. He was 9 years older and had been married twice. He had a 5 year old daughter and she and I became very close. My life started crashing when I lost my job and had financial problems. My boyfriend asked me to move in with him. That seemed like a good solution to my problems. Things were looking up, we were in love and were a "little family." Summer came and he sent his little girl to California to visit her mother. Before we knew it, he was in a custody fight with his ex over their daughter. I soon found out I was pregnant again. I never considered an abortion. When I told my boyfriend, he wasn’t happy. The first thing he said was, "I don’t want another child. I don’t want to go through this (custody fight) again." He told me to have an abortion and that he didn’t want me to hate him, but he loved me and didn’t want another child. I didn’t know what to think, I was so confused. He loved me?
     The next morning he made arrangements and took me to the woman’s clinic, the whole time telling me how much he loved me. I had the pregnancy test and they said that they could to it that afternoon or the next morning. My boyfriend wanted me to go ahead with it that day. I had no time to think about it or strength to make a decision. I spent the morning with a counselor and she asked me several questions. One of the questions was, "What do you think about abortion?" My answer was, "It’s murder." That afternoon, however, I was in the abortion room. The doctor was cold and no one talked. I remember the sound of the machine, a cross between a loud vacuum cleaner and a garbage disposal. The pain was the worst. It felt like my insides were being ripped out. Then the doctor was finished and everyone left the room. I was sobbing from the pain, but it was more than that. I was more empty than before. My boyfriend kept telling me he loved me. I wanted to believe that, but somehow what he was saying didn’t matter. I stayed in the relationship for several more months.
     I grew up going to church. My boyfriend and I had visited churches together during our relationship. We were living together but many people didn’t know. I always felt a little hypocritical going to church while I was "living in sin" as my mother would say. She never approved of people living together, but she never knew. I moved out of my boyfriend’s house and found a room for rent in a house. I went back to my own church and thought I could just erase the last year or more. I was sitting in church when I realized I didn’t understand what the priest was talking about. I had heard this stuff all my life, but never really understood it. The guy next to me was falling asleep. I left immediately and knew I had a few minutes to get to one of the churches my boyfriend and I had gone to. That day, for the first time I heard that Jesus died on the cross and what that meant for me. I could have a new life and "start over" thanks to the sacrifice He made for me. I found out that it didn’t matter what I had done in the past, though all choices have consequences. I had to admit my mistakes to myself and to God. I had to stop and turn away from them. That morning I told God that I had made many mistakes in my short life and I needed Him to take it from here. A simple prayer and it was done!
     Women say that their abortion wasn’t a big deal. I said that too. Just like the tattoo you got as a kid and regret as an adult. It’s there for a lifetime, a permanent scar. You can try to remove it, but there will always be a mark. Some women choose to try to "remove" the mark with food, alcohol, drugs and more sex leading to more abortions. The odds are very high that after one abortion, more may follow. I tried alcohol for a while, but soon realized it didn’t fit into my activities; mountain biking and rock climbing. Then I turned to food. Eating gave me comfort and over time I became overweight.
It has been eleven years since my first abortion. Nine since my second. I never thought I wanted children, but now I have two beautiful little girls and a wonderful husband. I look at my children today and miss the two I chose to abort. I no longer work and I am able to stay at home with my kids. I love it! Abortion hurts more than the physical pain. It is also emotionally devastating. There are days that I can hear the sound of the machine and even feel real pain. What seemed like a good choice at the time, has been my biggest burden in life. I am now very much against abortion. Please don’t make the same mistake I made. It will never be worth it. Abortion is not and never will be the right choice.

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