Adoption Stories

Kristen's Story

     It has been almost four weeks since my son was born and placed with his new adoptive family. When Kim asked me to write about my experience, I was excited… I really want other people to know more about adoption and especially about birthmothers. But as I sit here and stare at the computer screen, I am once again faced with the reality that no words can express the emotions that I have gone through, which is what makes this such a painful and lonely experience. But I will try…
     Ten months ago I was faced with an unplanned pregnancy. But from the moment I found out, I knew that this child’s life was very much planned by God.
     Although I am 22, have graduated from college, and it was possible for me to keep my child, I had very specific beliefs about the kind of life that I wanted for him. And the reality was that I just wasn’t at a point in my life where I could give him everything I wanted.
     In a lot of ways, I was just like any other pregnant mom… I took extra good care of myself, I ate certain things just because I knew they would be good for my baby or because I thought he might “enjoy” them, I loved feeling him move, I loved “talking” to him, etc.
     But besides the love that I had for my baby, nothing about the pregnancy experience was easy. Telling my parents was one of the worst days of my life. Anticipating what it was going to be like when I had to “give him up” made me cry almost every day. Having to be strong and defend my decision to everyone… my family, my friends, people at work, the birthfather and his family… took a lot of energy.
     Luckily, after the initial shock, my family was able to be supportive, and I met a few other people along the way who were also very supportive. Faith and prayer became more important to me than ever before.
     I looked through several profiles of adoptive parents before I found the family that was right for my child. I found a lot of familiarity in reading their profile… we shared a lot of the same beliefs and interests and they reminded me of my own family. We met several times while I was still pregnant and we talked often on the phone. We were able to be very open and honest with each other, which was extremely important to me.
     The birth experience was amazing. Since I only had two days to really be his “mom”, I cherished every second… holding him, feeding him, staying up with him all night, etc. The bond that I felt with him was amazing!
I cried a lot while I was in the hospital and constantly prayed that God would give me the strength to sign the papers and hand him over to another family… I knew I couldn’t do it without Him. And although it was hard, I knew that I had to do it because it was what was best for my child.
     The past four weeks have been indescribably tough. There are good days and there are bad days. The hard part is that even on the good days, part of me feels guilty for being happy. There are moments when I know without a doubt that I did what is best for my child. He is a part of such a wonderful family… he is safe and loved and cared for. He will have all of the things that I couldn’t give him… a dad, a brother, a house with land to play on, stability, etc.
     And there are moments when I’m alone in my room and all I can do is cry and think, “I want him back!” I miss him… the noises he makes… and just being able to hold him.
     I desperately want somebody to understand the pain and loneliness that I feel. I doubt anyone can, but I want someone to try. Most people are so afraid to talk to me about it or ask me questions, which makes it even harder. I wish someone else would take the initiative so I don’t always have to be the strong one. I’m afraid that even if I try to let other people in and really share this experience with them, nobody could truly understand and I will always feel as alone as I do right now.
     I struggle every day with the question of, “What kind of woman could give her baby away?” I know that to the rest of the world it makes me seem so heartless, but with all of tears that I have cried and pain that I feel, nothing could be farther from the truth.
     I feel very close at heart with the adoptive parents and I will support them in every way that I can along the way. I do not see them as a threat and I hope they don’t see me as one. We both have very important and distinct roles in our child’s life and he will never have to “choose”. He will grow up to know them as his “real” mom and dad, and I am very humbled when I look at them and realize that they are my child’s family now.
     This experience has shaken me down to the very core of who I am. I love my child so much. I know that I will move on with my life and be happy, but he will always be a part of who I am and we will have a bond that neither time nor distance can take away.

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